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Thought for Tuesday, Feb 28, 2006

Golden Oldie

Another Month Ends

All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly

-Entry in Weekly Schedule
New Zealand Symphony Orchestra

Thought for Monday, Feb 27, 2006

Golden Oldie

When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in
nearly forty years at sea, I merely say, uneventful. Of course
there have been winter gales, and storms and fog and the like.
But in all my experience, I have never been in any accident...
or any sort worth speaking about. I have seen but one vessel
in distress in all my years at sea. I never saw a wreck and
never have been wrecked nor was I ever in any predicament that
threatened to end in disaster of any sort.

-E. J. Smith, 1907
Captain, RMS Titanic

Rand Lindsly's HUGE Quotations File

Thought for Friday, Feb 24, 2006

Golden Oldie

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were,
what could I do about it?

-Emo Philips

Thought for Thursday, Feb 23, 2006

Golden Oldie

Performing Thursday Night

Carrie Okie

-Club in McAllen / Edinburg Texas

Thought for Wednesday, Feb 22, 2006

Golden Oldie

If you don't like someone,
the way he holds his spoon makes you furious;

if you like him,
he can turn his plate over
into your lap and you won't mind.

-Irving Becker

Thought for Tuesday, Feb 21, 2006

*
Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
your fuses regularly.
Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
table, etc.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Thought for Monday, Feb 20, 2006

*
Wit, n.:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Thought for Friday, Feb 17, 2006

*
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!

Thought for Thursday, Feb 16, 2006

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However,
he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."

(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like
this.)

-Received from George Reisman.
"The Good, Clean Funnies List"
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20060118
2006/01/18
(Those who know tftd will understand that tftd
wouldn't send a story like this. George did it.)

Thought for Wednesday, Feb 15, 2006

ENIAC unveiled 60 years ago yesterday, February 14, 1946.

From an interview-

So it's a myth that ENIAC could only
add, subtract, multiply and divide.

No, that's a calculator. ENIAC could do three-dimensional,
second-order differential equations. We were calculating
trajectory tables for the war effort. In those days, the
trajectory tables were calculated by hundreds of people
operating desk calculators -- people who were called
computers. So the machine that does that work was
called a computer.

-J. Presper Eckert

http://www.computerworld.com/hardwaretopics/hardware/story/0,10801,108568,00.html?source=NLT_AM&nid=108568

http://www.computerworld.com/hardwaretopics/hardware/
story/0,10801,108568,00.html?source=NLT_AM&nid=108568

Thought for Tuesday, Feb 14, 2006

*

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think
of you if you could know how seldom they do.

-Olin Miller.

Thought for Monday, Feb 13, 2006

Efficiency is doing things right.
Effectiveness is doing the right things.

-Peter F. Drucker
1909 - 2005
As reported in
http://www.govtech.net/magazine/story.php?id=97743

Thought for Friday, Feb 10, 2006

*
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water,
but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.

Thought for Thursday, Feb 9, 2006

Golden Oldie

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper

-Thomas Jefferson

Thought for Wednesday, Feb 8, 2006

*

James Joyce -- an essentially private man
who wished his total indifference to public
notice to be universally recognized.

-Tom Stoppard

Thought for Tuesday, Feb 7, 2006

In knowledge work, the first question is,
'What should you be doing?' Not how.

-Peter F. Drucker
1909 - 2005
As reported in
http://www.govtech.net/magazine/story.php?id=97743

Thought for Monday, Feb 6, 2006

*

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

Thought for Friday, Feb 3, 2006

... the ACLU has never been wrong,
but it has occasionally been
"prematurely right."

-Ira Glasser, Former national Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union
"The War on Christmas" by John Gibson

Thought for Thursday, Feb 2, 2006

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties.

The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day. (Stan Kegel)

-Puns of the Day 01-31-06
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners

Thought for Wednesday, Feb 1, 2006

Procrastinator's Creed
You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have beendone already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or findexcuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion tothe amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missingthem.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for newtechnologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from myobligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardlessof the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decideto change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
-From BWJokes Gaggles of Groaners Profusion of Puns Digest Number 1419 2005/11/09

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