******************** As reported by Penny Pennington
This tftd will be the last for 2008. tftd will return on or about January 5, 2009. The message above is Noel.
Thought for Monday, Dec 22, 2008
Some Assembly Required
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear, but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
with each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded... I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
-Puns of the Day 20081219
Thought for Friday, Dec 19, 2008
* 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
Thought for Thursday, Dec 18, 2008
A man went for breakfast at his regular restaurant one morning. He ordered eggs Benedict. The order was served on a bright, shiny upside down hubcap. He asked the waiter why the unusual serving plate. The waiter replied "There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
-Paul Harvey Puns for the Day
Thought for Wednesday, Dec 17, 2008
* Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
Thought for Tuesday, Dec 16, 2008
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year and you'll always be welcome.
-Joey Adams Puns of the Day
FW: Huge Virus Coming
Date: Mon, 15 Dec 2008 09:53:17 -0800 From: email@example.com Subject: Fw: Huge Virus Coming To:
Hi All, I checked with Norton Anti-Virus, and they are gearing up for this virus! I checked Snopes (URL above:), and it is for real!! Get this E-mail message sent around to your contacts ASAP. PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS! You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an att achment entitled 'POSTCARD FROM HALLMARK,' regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer. This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it. If you receive a mail called' POSTCARD,' even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Shut down your computer immediately.
This is the worst virus announced by CNN. It has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept. COPY THIS E-MAIL, AND SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. REMEMBER: IF YOU SEND IT TO THEM, YOU WILL BENEFIT ALL OF US
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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .
a n d a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
* Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
FW: tr: Fwd: le trou noir
From: firstname.lastname@example.org To: email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: FW: tr: Fwd: le trou noir Date: Fri, 5 Dec 2008 21:01:21 +0000
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 2008 12:04:10 -0800 From: email@example.com Subject: Fw: tr: Fwd: le trou noir To: firstname.lastname@example.org
* Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
Thought for Thursday, Dec 4, 2008
* Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
Thought for Wednesday, Dec 3, 2008
* Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Thought for Tuesday, Dec 2, 2008
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
-Gentle Lessons of Life From the Internet
Thought for Monday, Dec 1, 2008
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to? Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow. Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement. Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons. Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.
Received from Del. "The Good, Clean Funnies List" <email@example.com> 2March2007